Life gets in the way

Being back in San Antonio has stirred some interesting feelings these last few months. I've realized that I've spent more time in this house at 13407 Monte Leon in the last six months than I have in the last six years. It's unfortunate that it's happened now that my Mother has passed away and as time passes there is a feeling sinking in that maybe I made the wrong decision. That I should have been here more.

It has been a long time since I last scribed into this worn down excuse for a blog. To be honest, it's been a long time since I've written anything that could pass for a journal entry, but my heart and mind can't allow this "break" to continue. When I first started this blog, it was in part for a way to people I know, love, care about, called friends, to keep tabs on me. It was also an outlet for me to regurgitate the happenings in my life into a vessel that would last "forever." I could post my photos and do what most people do with blogs, - vent & archive.

My life seems to have reached a turning point and it is something that has come with difficulty. I'm not one that subscribes readily to faith, or even coincidence for that matter. I tend to think that whatever happens in our life, happens. Simple. Easy to digest, (the action, not the consequences necessarily). I am one with the ways of the Universe and am usually fine with accepting the knots on my rope of life. I find it futile and pointless to extend any kind of stress, anger, or concern with matters that have passed before me on the timeline, but in doing so, I may have extended my ever-so-great philosophy into the way I think about the future.

Some people refer to it as "living in the moment." Day-to-Day. One spends less time thinking about the future, worrying about the past and just exists and during a time when my world was getting rocked & turned upside down, it seemed like the most logical decision. That's not to say I have not accomplished anything in the last six months. I have worked on several film/video productions for the duration in various stimulating positions. Some VERY rewarding, some a tad boring, but all experiences I can say I have learned a thing or two from. I have met and am in a relationship with a girl I never in a million years thought I would be in a relationship with, which in turn, has made every moment we spend together nothing shy of interesting.

Now I'm faced with new decisions. Geographical relocation. Serious fiscal responsibility. A new and beautiful young lady I currently call my partner and the search for a new direction career-wise. It's all pretty horrifying. Couple this with the fact that I have had the not-too-fine displeasure of losing a few more acquaintances this year in addition to my Mother along with this strange cosmic force that continues to exert a unseen force for me to remain in South Texas and I'm pretty much coming up with very rotund question marks.

I still know what I want. Out of life. For myself and for the people I hold Love for. So I have decided to spend the last few weeks of 2010 directing myself to those much desired runways, ladders, and canons. In 2011, I will make a fresh run at everything in hopes to cement a path that can lead me to fulfilling my dreams. For some people dreams die. LIFE GETS IN THE WAY. Sometimes it can be really easy to let it. It is LIFE after all and being distracted by it is something every soul on this pale blue dot succumbs to. BUT, if you can align life with a cemented path by focusing on the near future and realize the potential we all possess, then getting yet another step closer to the things you desire most in this world becomes a gratifying possibility.

A funny post of Facebook the other day: "Life gave me lemons, so I slit my wrist." -- Sam Eidson. It is HARD to saddle yourself day-to-day with the realities of the world in which we live. It's part of aging, but I would be willing to bet that if you asked anyone in decade long increments if they think the world is getting worse as they get older, the answer at mid-age would be a resounding, "yes." It's on our computer screens, TVs and portable devices every day, staring us in the face. People die. We get older. People we know and Love die, we get even older. Gray hairs start popping up. Suddenly that lower pain in your back is un-diagnosed arthritis that you'll find out about in five years when you HAVE to go to a Doctor because you can't take the pain anymore. Then, people start losing hope and some give up paving the way for a new more "optimistic" generation that will more than likely begin to feel the same way in ten years time. It's a cycle. Like Life. I see it now, very clearly, but I am choosing to remain on the side of optimism and to attempt to keep my hope intact.

I am choosing to let life get in the way, as long as it's in the way I want to go. Because I know where I'm going. Simple. no?